A Day in the Life of..

I am at such peace when meditating on the truth of the Lord's love. His love is my delight, His Word my direction, His jealousy for His glory my hope, His faithfulness my refuge, and the most beautiful thing... His life is my life. I never can can get over the fact, and pray my heart would never cease to take pleasure in this, that Christ was really raised from the dead, and that death could not hold down my victorious, championing Savior, and because of God's great love for me and His abounding mercy, He raised me to life by the same power. sdkjhjkfdhdflkgjd What grace!!!

I was chatting with a friend from high school, and he said, "You love love, don't you?" to which I replied, "Absolutely!" It breaks my heart that he does not know the love of Christ, the love that surpasses knowledge. I pray that his eyes would be opened to see the beauty and glory of the Living God... Because oh, I do love love. I live as a result of God's limitless love. Speaking of love, I've been listening to this song all day... It's called More Than Ashes. I want you to read the words and think of the Lord's powerful, gentle, merciful love for you.

I'm more than what these ashes say
They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace through faith in Christ I'm saved
I am not the same when He looks at me

I am the rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You

My life is more than meets the eye
I'm hidden now in Christ, and I'm one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He's ravished by the sight of one glance from me

I am the rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You

I am the rose
I am the lily
I am Yours
I'm Your beauty

There's gonna be a wedding
It's the reason that I'm living-
To marry the Lamb

I'm more than what these ashes say,
'Cause they will fade away when He comes for me
My love is real before His eyes,
He's ravished by the sight of one glance from me

There's gonna be a wedding...
It's the reason that I'm living-
To marry the Lamb

Phew. I was talking to my Meema yesterday about how our view of God, who we think He is and perceive Him as, shapes everything we do. I was saying that if He is who He says He is... If His Word is true... If His love for me is just as He declares... Can we afford to live any other way than wholly surrendered? One of our biggest issues, if not the biggest, is that we don't take God at His Word. Of course we only see in part for now, but even so, we have belittled Him, we have underestimated Him, and as Tozer writes about in Knowledge of the Holy, we have made idols in our minds, entertaining disgraceful and undue thoughts toward and about the Lord of heaven and earth.

Anywho, all false ideas about the Lord aside...

If God is who He says He is, and if His love is as real as He declares and expresses... If His heart is for me, and He is eternally perfect and powerful... If He really is forever faithful, and He is good... If He is indeed very interested in the details of my life and the desires of my heart, and if He really is jealous for my love and faithfulness... There is no greater hope, no greater love, no greater delight, no greater redemption, no greater life imaginable than the one lived in the presence of this pure, gentle, loving, passionate God. Abba, fill us with the knowledge of You... Wreck us with Your beauty, strengthen us in our inner being--Father, help us grasp the reality of Christ's love, and how wide, long, high, and deep is Your love, that we would know the love that surpasses knowledge. Abba, I thank You that You truly desire for us to be filled to the measure of the fullness of You. So strengthen us, increase our capacity, give us power through Your Spirit to be a resting place for You.

I'll tell you, this morning I was fighting condemnation so hard. And I knew it, too. It's one thing to be attacked and not understand or know what is coming over you... but to recognize the lie the enemy is offering you, to begin to entertain it, and to toy with it for a bit as though it were truth... This is an interesting battle. I was laying on my bed this morning trying to spend some time with the Lord, but instead was beating myself up a little bit, greatly frustrating myself, and wrestling with perpetual condemning thoughts. When I say that our view of God determines and shapes what we do, I mean it! What I think of God and who I think He is determined how I handled the lies of the enemy. Because I believe He is who He is, and I believe what He says about me, I cast down arguments and pretensions that set themselves up against that truth. I believe in His love for me, and His truth calls me to freedom from condemning thoughts that depress and burden me.

I'm not very sure of how fluid this blog is... It probably is kind of scattered... but I'm just relaying my heart from the day... And I hadn't processes this with anyone... Haha welcome to me :) So! Here's the point...

The Lord was flooding me with the truth and reality of His love today, and it was glorious. Because I believe He is who He says He is, I believe what He says about me, and I believe He loves me extravagantly. His love empowers me, and His reality brings me to life. I'm so grateful for the love of the Father, I praise Him for who He is, and although living for Him can be crazy and scary sometimes because I'm incomplete and don't trust perfectly, I wouldn't want it any other way in this life. He's so good. :)

Quote of the Day!!!

"I just want to enjoy today."
I've been in Arkansas since Tuesday. Since I have been home, I have cooked a beautiful breakfast with Clinton, packed up all 240+ of his movies (he's leaving for Hawaii tomorrow), been out to eat at Kobe (love their chicken and steak!), had some phenomenal conversations, had a beautiful breakfast with my whole family + Mirian, peeled potatoes, visited with my mom's side of the family, took crazy pictures with my parents & brothers, learned more about piano from my Bapaw (I definitely played at least 3 songs from sheet music!), bought myself some amazing chocolates (may have found a new favorite :]), and started watching Pride & Prejudice with Mirian (we still have to watch the second half.. ;] Haha!) .

Earlier today, my mom told me she just wanted to enjoy today. She encouraged me to just enjoy today, too. I'll tell you, I've definitely enjoyed today! The Lord is so good, and I love that He has given me a heart that can find pleasure in the things He has created... like family, fellowship, food, friends, music, love and such... Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed are those who take refuge in Him.

Not only is Jesus Christ the most alive man who ever was, is, or ever will be, but he sincerely brings everything else to life! He brings the most transcendent beauty to the simplest of things, a divine glory to that which we cannot always make sense of... Strengthen me Lord, and let me taste your pure goodness. Soften me Lord, and let me see Your perfect beauty. Taste and see that He is good, set your eyes upon the ultimate delight, and He who is the greatest delighter. Hunger, thirst, and be satisfied in Him. Take refuge in Him and let Him bring your world to life. Mmm no sweeter name than the name of Jesus...

Psalm 34:8
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.

So, one of my old favorite songs had a line that sang, "desperate to brush the lips of grace." I remember lonely afternoons in high school, wondering why yet another friend had walked out of my life, crying out to God from my living room floor. I remember the feeling of being lost two years ago, running out my front door into the street, and begging God to prove Himself to me if He was actually real. I remember many nights spent crying myself to sleep from a broken heart, wishing I wouldn't have risked so much, and longing for some consistent love, affirmation, and reassurance. I remember some of these moments when I step into the house in which most of them took place. "Desperate to brush the lips of grace" described me all too well.

So many of those moments were pivotal for me. They were times when I became so clearly aware of where I was at and how desperately I needed my Savior. Those moment brought me here, to where I am now. I wouldn't say that today I am desperate to brush the lips of grace. I brushed the lips of grace in each of those times when God would faithfully wrap His arms around me, finally speak, and gently still my frantic heart. But isn't it bizarre (and beautiful) how the natural longing in our hearts is for more? So often we gratify a desire, just to be greeted with a stronger desire for something else, or a deeper desire for more. We hunger. We thirst. And the lips of grace have long been brushed.

God, give me the hunger, the longing, the burning desire for more of You. Lord, that I would be so obsessed with Your Son and Your glory and becoming more like You that a sprinkling of Your grace would only whet my appetite to be completely and wholly submerged... God, I want to lay hold of the fullness of Your grace, the fullness of Your power, that I might know the fullness of Your love, and be totally filled--to the measure of ALL the fullness of God. Not a half-hearted woman, not a seeker easily satisfied, but a woman whose heart, mind, and eyes are SET on Christ. And Lord, give me the audacity and boldness to sincerely pray that you would bring the things that need to come, that you would refine me, that you would faithfully and gently mold me as You see fit to become such a woman. Jesus Christ didn't hold anything back, He didn't evade any trial or suffering, but rather was perfect in His life, perfect in His suffering, perfect in his endurance, perfect in His death. And He is my life and thus, my hope of glory. Abba, make me like the Faithful One, and give me the grace to walk fully into whatever it takes to become as Him... And because only You could do it, and only You can change me, let it be and let all praise be to You.

The lips of grace have long been brushed.
I want the committed, much anticipated, vow-sealing marriage kiss of Grace.

Talk about another trying day! This I will tell you--Life is not easy. But there is no one I would rather live for than the Lord! He is truly my source of purpose and direction, strength and drive.

The gospel, the gospel... Oh Lord, how do I manage to let the cross escape my mind so often? Abba, how often do I act as if the grave you raised me from never existed? I truly only see in part, for my gaze falters frequently. Oh God, keep me faithful! It is truly by grace that I have been saved--all of the strength I could ever muster up on my own was once quickly forgotten, sapped, surrendered at the cravings, desires, and thoughts of my sinful nature. What kind of strength is that? By nature I was an object of wrath... Made to abide in love, I feasted on the pleasures of this world... So easily satisfied with the offerings of the world. I put the One who knit me together in my mother's womb to the side in arrogance and belittled His ways. I sinned first against God, and then against those He created.

But HE...
The Lord my God...
Mighty to save...

Hmm I just want to soak in this life-giving, spirit-stirring truth right now...

Like in Ezekiel 16, He saw me dirty, nasty, despised, vulnerable, kicking about in my own blood, bound for death... and no one else could see me or save me, but I was not made to be forsaken--He said to me, "Live!" By the same power that rose Jesus Christ He raised me to life even when I was still dead in my sin, and He seated me with Christ, acting out of pure love and mercy! He called me by name, and He parts the heavens and shakes the foundations of the earth to come for me when I call on His. His light shines into the darkness of my life, He breathes new life into me, He refreshs me and sustains me--He gives me hope and a purpose! He draws me unto Himself and embraces me in my pain and weakness, He heals my wounds and binds up my broken heart. He came and He died that I might experience the fullness of life and enjoy Him, and His name be praised therefore! The God of the universe, the Creator, the Giver of life and of every good thing--He rose again and conquered not just "the" grave, but also MY grave. He calls me to know Him intimately, to follow Him obediently, and praise God, Jesus ascended back to Heaven and gave me the Holy Spirit to help me walk it out! And the Ruler and Lover of my life has promised a return, and He has promised restoration of a fallen world to match His eternal will which was fulfilled when Jesus Christ was raised to life and seated on the throne!

And surely as the dawn, He again draws my eyes from my wickedness and desperation to the glory of His plan. Seriously?? He is so awesome!

I have no idea where I was going with this blog.
I guess just a typed out thought process again.
Hm. Well! Glory and praise be to the God who made me, raised me, and loves me.

On another note, I'm leaving tomorrow evening with a good friend, a new friend, and a friend of a friend to go to Louisiana to visit a body of believers who I hear have been transformed by and are living in the love of Jesus Christ my Lord. Pretty exciting :) This will be my first trip from campus that isn't to my house or to Dallas! I'm super excited! I won't even have to drive! I don't know the people we are staying with, but my new friend (Denver, a gently passionate staff member here at Teen Mania) says they are some of the most loving and generous people he knows. I don't really know what the Lord has in store for this weekend, but I'm anticipating hitting the road! I'll definitely share how it goes, what it's like, why we're going, etc. later on... when I know. :) I'm looking forward to a weekend of fellowship with people who are just crazy for the Lord, too!

And after I return Sunday night (or Monday morning.. whenever!) I'll be heading home Tuesday night with my beautiful friend Mirian for Thanksgiving! Oh, the travels of a 19-year-old friend graduate intern of Teen Mania's Honor Academy... and friend of God.

Last night was interesting! God moved on my heart as I stood at my kitchen sink.

As I was praying last year about whether to stay as a part of the Management Associate [MA] program or the Core Advisor [CA] program this year, I was looking at the similarities and differences of what the year would look like. As a CA, I would pour into a group of ladies and get deep in their lives, contend for them, disciple and facilitate what the Lord would want to do in them. The CA class thoroughly understands (and lives out every day) the principle of being filled up to be poured out. As an MA (wasn't as acquainted with what being an MA entails), I knew I would be serving the ministry in a lot of different ways really often and be 'behind the scenes' in most cases outside of my ministry placement.

The only way I could simplify the comparison was like 'mentor' or 'servant', even though both programs emphasize and have heavy doses (or at least the opportunity for heavy doses!) of both. I really couldn't decide, because both experiences would change my life, impact the lives of others, and would be extremely difficult and rewarding. Both served the ministry in very critical ways, but just looks different. So how did I decide? Well, I knew I was supposed to stay for a second year, so I prayed and pleaded with the Lord to close the door to one program and keep the other open. I told God the clearest way to show me would be for Him to choose for me. Next thing I knew, my core advisor sat me down and told me I wasn't accepted for the CA program, but I being asked to stay as an MA. Ha--ask and you shall receive, yeah?

And I'll tell you! I've learned so much about servanthood since graduating from my undergraduate year of the internship and embarking on this adventure we call being a graduate intern in the Management Associate program! It's one thing to serve, and it's another thing for your heart to be in a place of humility, serving, and yeilding to others. It's one thing to sacrifice time, and it's another thing to humble yourself and consider others as better than yourself. In Philippians 2, read that Jesus Christ, the son of God, did not see equality with God something to be grasped... Just meditate on the implications of that statement. We are told that our attitude should be the same. Paul goes on to say that rather than grasping at equality with God, Christ made himself nothing and took the nature of a SERVANT.

Last night, I sat in my car in the driveway of my house frustrated. I wanted to be alone, and I had managed to give my time away all day up to this point. I was exhausted and desperate. I didn't know where to go, knowing I wouldn't be able to get alone if I went inside. So I stayed in my car. I decided to lay down in my back seat, and I tried to adjust my heart to be set on Christ and eternity. Just as I began feeling the peace of the Lord, BAM, just like that, I was asleep.

My phone rang. I answered, a little irritated at having been woken... I'll tell you. My sinful nature just makes me sick. My friend needed my help, and all I did was grumble in my heart. A little begrudgingly, I went to wake up a housemate that my friend needed, and my housemate got up willingly and without complaining, got dressed so I could drive her to campus, took care of my friend, and then I brought her back to the house. I was really challenged by my housemate's willingness to help a friend in need, even after she had gone to bed for the night. My moaning definitely lessened as I noticed her attitude.

Getting back to the house, my housemate told me we'd probably be campused (a form of punishment for a lack of discipline) this weekend because of all of the dishes in the sink. What did I say? "Greaaat..." I intended to go sleep. I wanted to go to bed so bad, but praise God that He is so much more jealous for my holiness. I realized where my heart was at that moment, and the spirit of God in me cried out to wage war against my flesh. The Holy Spirit definitely enabled my next steps...

Without thinking too much more, I found myself not two minutes later standing at the kitcken sink with my iPod, getting a sponge all sudsy with soap. I picked up the first plate and got started. My heart and mind were not engaged, I was just washing dishes and then drying them. Maybe 15 or 20 minutes later, I was coming up on having done half of the dishes (Yes, there were a ton of dishes. Haha!), and I just desired to pray for unity in my house and blessing over my housemates and my house. So I did. Then, I petitioned for my friends and family. I started thinking about my future family, and I wondered how many nights I would do dishes in the future. I prayed for the selfless spirit of Christ in me to be strengthened for the kids I'm going to have one day. I wondered how many nights my parents had spent washing my dishes in the past. I took a break from the dishes to clean other parts of the kitchen. I asked God to make me more like Him. When I got back to the dishes, it was getting closer and closer to midnight, and all I could do was delight in the blessing it would be for my housemates to have forks, spoons, and skillets to use for breakfast in the morning. Note, all of the forks, spoons, and skillets we had in the house needed to be cleaned last night. That's a lot of dishes.

God reminded me of His son, and how nothing Christ did on this earth was just for his own sake. Jesus was so humble and such a servant that people found it offensive. He served without an agenda. Think about this... when God loves, He is just being Himself. When Christ, the manifest image of our invisible God, serves... He is just being Himself. He is the servant of all. He doesn't serve with expectation or an agenda, but because of who He is. As I washed dishes, I pictured the darling of heaven washing his disciples' feet...

I love being an MA. By the grace and the power of the Almighty at work in me, I love serving. The act of serving realigns my heart with the heart of Christ and draws my affections back to him. It's an honor. It's a calling. It's the Lord preparing me for a life of being like Christ--the servant of all. After a day of pouring out all of my time and energy for others, only Christ in me would be willing to wash the dishes for the house at midnight. I'm so humbled and moved by the reality of the work of God in my life.

After washing the dishes and the kitchen, I just cried. Because of self-pity or bitterness? Because I was tired? Because I knew it would be dirty again tomorrow? No... maybe two years ago those would be reasons for tears at a time like that. Just last summer I was often avoiding doing the dishes for my parents and brothers. I gratified the cravings of my sinful nature to complain and be rebellious... and last night I couldn't help but cry as I was overwhelmed by the love and gentleness of my God and by the beauty of Jesus Christ...

He saved me. He raised me from death. He breathed life into me. He is so patient with me. He gave an ungrateful heart a crown of beauty for ashes, oil of gladness for mourning, a garment of praise for despair... He began the work a long time ago, and we are still walking forward together...

Praise the Lord for the power and implications of the cross of Christ and the redemptive power of His love! Lord, that I would be a servant in love, to know and experience and live the love and life of Christ, because it took nothing less than my pure, gentle, passionate Jesus on the cross to allow me to do so, and You would give nothing less lest I be lost...

Mmm... praise God.

I pray this will refresh you, regardless of how fortunate or unfortunate your circumstance is today.

The joy we have is an internal, unseen, eternal joy. It is not sheer happiness, reflected in a vibrant smile that never fades, but a joy that is given by the grace and power of the Spirit. This is of much more powerful substance, for it is yielded by the same power that rose Jesus Christ from the dead—the same power that rose you to life in Christ, even when you were still dead in your transgressions (check out Ephesians!) and seated you in the heavenly realms with Christ, in Christ. This power and grace yields our spiritual authority, and yields the joy we rightfully take hold of each day—for we have a hope and we have God in this world... Praise God in His mercy and love for us! God help us to take hold of this grace and power so graciously given to us, and Father, strengthen us in our inner being to continue to hold on to it, lest we forget who we have been made in Christ and suppose ourselves helpless or in dismay. 

Yes, the frustrations, uncertainties, worries of life may confront us, but we have a higher hope and more firm foundation.

 

& Remember—
Fight like Jesus!
“As it is written…”

---

Praise God that I can draw near to Him wherever I am--my bed, my car, in the 400 acres of woods and fields I can explore that belong to Teen Mania... or at my desk.

I'll be completely honest -- I came into work holding my breath this morning. Having been out sick last Thursday and Friday, I hadn't been in the office since last Wednesday! Do you know what kind of surprises can be awaiting you at work when you are gone that long? Phew, I'll tell you... surprises can be fun, but not so much at work. :]

I got to work late, having been held too long in class, and I had a meeting that I had less than 10 minutes to prepare for. One of my interns asked me if she could talk to me about something, and I hadn't even had the chance to sit down at my desk yet. It had to wait... Praise God that my manager had already pulled the reports and left them on my desk for the meeting--I hurried on over so I wouldn't be late. On my way, another manager told me a couple things I needed to handle after our morning meeting. I didn't even know what she was talking about! Not a good feeling. Then, I sought some advice from a veteran in the office about a situation I thought I needed to address, added that to my to-do list, and we started the meeting. Turned out the reports I had weren't what I needed--I was completely ill-prepared, and unable to answer the questions of the director of the Honor Academy. That's not fun! =) So, at least I foudn out what I would need next time, but let's just say that I was a little discouraged at the start of my day. As I got back to my desk and got started on my first project for the day, I had a mishap with the printer... Our code to print is "3050" and rather than putting that as the code, I put that as the amount of copies I need of my document. By the time I got to the printer, it was spitting out a million copies of a document that is only good for today!!...

Don't worry, I'm laughing now as I look back on the day. :)

As I stood at the printer getting all my papers neatly stacked, I chatted with two of my co-workers, and we talked about being overwhelmed. I have to admit, for the first couple hours of my job today, I was less than happy about having to work in the ministry. I was wondering why I was paying to be to overwhelmed. I was thinking about the money I need to raise in order to stay here until next August, and I was wondering... why?? Working in a ministry can be so hard! Evidently this was showing a bit in my demeanor or speech, or something... because one of my co-workers said something along the lines of, "Well. I was talking about you yesterday, Tori... and paradigm shift! I've never seen you frustrated in ministry placement." The enemy immediately started feeding me lies about this ambiguous statement, telling me I'm not happy enough and obviously my lack of joy in the Lord is showing. I thought... This is ridiculous! I felt so attacked--not by flesh and blood but by the schemes of the enemy.

So, I took a minute at my desk, and I called upon the name of my Almighty God--the ultimate Deliverer. I meditated on His truth, was reminded of some scripture from Ephesians, and was greatly encouraged as I took refuge in my Shelter and Fortress.

Deut. 33:12 -- Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.

As the Lord ministered to my heart, I wrote it down, and I shared it with a few people. Phew! God is so sweet, so tender, so faithful, and so jealous for His people to not be toyed with. And boy does He speak!

Praise God! Just praise God, that's all I can say, because He's the best friend in the entire universe, and it's just who He is. When He loves, when He ministers, when He comforts, He is just being Himself.

I'm reading Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer with Jess (one of my dear friends here at the Honor Academy) and it's just making me fall more in love with this loving God who called me by name and raised me from the dead! Remember to keep your eyes, your heart, your mind set on the things of Christ. :) God bless!

This will be short & simple, but needed :)

This weekend will be our campus-wide Fasting LTE [Life Transforming Event]. We have two a year--one in the fall and one in the spring. This fall the theme is "Into the Deep"--we're going to pivot ourselves voluntarily into the pursuit of deeper intimacy with Jesus Christ! Woo!! I anticipating this being a critical time for so many interns, as it was for me, not having ever so intently sought out interaction with the man who died and rose for me before, especially not in such a fashion. The beauty, necessity, relativity, and power of prayer & fasting are continuing to be pressed on my heart and revealed to me, and I pray that a desire for intimacy with the Lord would be awakened in this campus over this weekend. Please be praying for all of us! :)

Specifically, if I might ask, please remember me in prayer over the next couple of days that the Lord would focus my heart on what it is He wants to speak to me this weekend. I want to be purposeful and expectant this weekend, but not limit or miss what God wants me to experience with Him. I want to do as Paul told the saints in Ephesus in his letter to them--

"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

Please be praying for guidance, clarity, and direction--whatever that may look like coming from the Lord in this season of my life--and sweet, transforming times in the presence and love of the Lord. Pray against distractions, whatever they may be... Especially the temptation to nap a lot... And that my eyes, heart, and mind would be set on the Lord and on seeking His face in such a manner that I cannot be pulled away! Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support! God bless you :)

I wish it were as simple as it sounds. Is it as simple as it sounds?

What is the most effective way to share the gospel? How do you bring truth and light into the lives of others the best way? How do I know what to say? What words to use? When is it okay for me to speak into someone's situation? How do I gain the ability to help others understand the reason they were created and that there is a God who loves them? How do you show a stranger that you love them? How do I show the mercy, grace, and love that has been lavished on me in such a way that others will know there is a God who can't wait to lavish love on them too?

How do I express to people the fullness of life and joy that awaits them in the Father's love and arms of Jesus Christ???

As I was home today with my parenst and Clinton, and then out today with my mom, I was thinking about that. I saw a lot of hungry people today... spiritually starving and in need of a savior. Beautiful people... Marvelous personalities with hidden talents who have little insight to their worth. Lord, let these people steal my heart. I want to see those who surround me the way their Creator does. And as I meditated today on what the answer to my questions could be, I was struck by the example of a godly man whose story is recorded in the gospels.
 
Live like Jesus. Love like Jesus. Act like Jesus. Smell like Jesus. Touch like Jesus. Heal like Jesus. Serve like Jesus. Respond like Jesus.

Wow. Today, as I was driving, I declared to my mom, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God!" And yet these questions have been burning 'unanswered' on my heart today!! The answer came out of my mouth! God is marvelous. When we speak the Word, He speaks. His truth answers our questions and destroys the lies and arguments of the enemy. It bring clarity, direction, and understanding. It even tells those of us who perhaps lack evangelistic anointing how to share the gospel :)

Live like Jesus. Love like Jesus. Act like Jesus. Smell like Jesus. Touch like Jesus. Heal like Jesus. Serve like Jesus. Respond like Jesus.

I pray that each day, I will look more like Jesus than yesterday. So, Lord, draw me to the secret place to be ever transformed by your love, for how can one be holy without coming in contact with THE Holy? How can one truly look, love, or live like You without seeing You, experiencing Your love, and following Your footsteps? And let me not be merely a good person--God bring me to my end before I live as good, pleasing, & unintrusive, lest I offend someone!--but let my life be one that is for the Kingdom and exhausted completely for the sake of Christ. Oh t be a woman who people get confused with Jesus. :)

So, as I am learning to live by His presence, for His Kingdom, like His Son, I ask...
What would Jesus do?

The Lord made me--fearfully and wonderfully. And I verbally process. Ha! Maybe this has something to do with my being female. But, as I talk to people about things, those things begin to come more and more alive to me and make sense. Maybe this is why I like talking about the Lord so much! Probably. It invigorates me so much! Moments of understanding and revelation will come in the middle of conversations with people. The Holy Spirit convicts me all the time through the truth coming out of my mouth when talking with others. Why on earth am I talking typing about this? It's more processing. I'm learning myself, that's why!

During some verbal processing time with one of my house mates, we were sharing the dreams we have for our lives and such. It encouraged me so much to hear from someone else who can get excited simply about being an armor bearer for their future husband! Being an armor bearer is an honor. To be entrusted with the desires and dreams of someone else's heart and to support them, help them, empower them, and to run with them to see it happen? That is so awesome! That's something I can get excited about!

Well. Let me tell you. The Lord hit me big time on that today. He's been working up to it over the past 4 or 5 days, and BAM--my heart was struck between 1 and 2 PM today!

He's asked me to be His armor bearer! It's so simple, but exactly what I needed to hear.

God is passionate. For real. And He has plans. He has ideas. He has intentions and a purpose. Talk about someone who is GOING somewhere!

I love finding people whose ideas, plans, heart I support and encouraging them, supporting them, etc. It brings me to life to know I was a part of someone simply making a goal or ultimately fulfilling a dream! So why has this never clicked in my brain?? I don't know. Like Jesus said to the disciples--"why are you do dull?" Haha but alas, this is the same Jesus who is crying out for me to receive the spirit of wisdom and revelation to know Him better, just as Paul did for the Ephesians. He knew it would click eventually. :) 

I told that same house mate not too long ago that I need to stop trying to figure out what my life is going to look like and what I am going to do and I need to focus on God's heart and HIS plan. I recognized this self-centered focus that I have grown up on of what MY major will be, MY job, MY family, MY life. It's not MY anything!!! I lay down everything I have been deceived into calling mine and take hold of HIM. Philippians 3! Whatever was to my profit and EVERYTHING else, I consider it loss for the sake of Christ and it IS compared to the beauty of knowing Him! For the sake of Christ...

A wife knows her husband. She knows him on a more intimate level than anyone else in the whole world knows him. She has special access to his heart, to know his deepest desires and longings, to hear his dreams in confidence that she won't think he's crazy. And she has the opportunity to empower him, to remind him that he has it in him to make it happen, to support him, to remind him that nothing before him is impossible, to believe in him, to stand by him through the entire process.

The Lord is preparing for His beloved Son a bride. A bride who not only has access to His heart, His deepest desires, His deepest longings and dreams, but who will also give her all to stand with Him through it all--a bride who will enjoy Him, love Him, and lay everything down for Him AND who will cry out in unison with Him, fight with Him, and reign with Him.

His bride is being prepared to prepare this darkened world for His coming in all of His glory!

Talk about an armor bearer!

God is brilliant!

Hope this made sense--I've got to run, so, maybe more next time! :)

Quickly... I just want to say...

I am so excited for the life the Lord has brought me into and that He has in store for me!!! I took Mirian out to Olive Garden for her birthday (she turned the beautiful 19 today!) and as we enjoyed a delightful little (ha) cake and talked about the days to come... I got so excited! You know why?

God didn't make me alive by His grace even while I was still dead in transgressions and raise me up with Christ and seat me at His right hand in the heavenly realms for NOTHING. My Lord has plans and intentions and a purposeful will that I have found myself in the middle of--and I pray my life would be such that when tested by fire, I would not suffer much loss but rather that God would receive all glory, honor, and praise because there will be left the pure evidence of His Kingdom established in and through my life!

A life in, by, and through the Spirit, purposed in Christ.

What a blessed weekend I have had! The Lord is so gracious to bless me so abundantly--He truly does lavish His grace on us. And He loves to do it! :)

I love how in the midst of trial and confusion the Lord holds fast to me. He just won't let me go! He allows me to be found in the refining fire, but I am there resting in His hand alone. What a gentle God I serve... His love is so powerful, yet so tender. Praise be to the God who desired so strongly for me to be holy and blameless in love before Him that He gave Himself to save me... Ahh I just don't get it. I don't understand it. But it's truth.

I love how the Lord is also very strategic. He pursues me with such passion and purpose and desire that sometimes I can't help but sit and be overwhelmed! Let me tell you how funny He is! I just want to give Him some praise and glory by telling you about this. :) It might take a few minutes to read, but I think it'll be worth it!

First off, I've felt distracted lately. I have felt the ebb and flow of direction and fullness of my MA year so far, and it has been both rewarding and frustrating. I've been trying to be optimistic, but still find myself quite irritated in not knowing how best to take advantage of this year and really, just being impatient with what the Lord wants to do in me this year. I know He wants to prepare me for specific things, but how? I know He wants to teach me certain things, but how? I know He wants me to pursue Him in a different, deeper, more intimate way this year, but how? I have never had so many things emphasized in my heart so greatly by the Lord that I just don't understand! Intimacy, fasting, prayer, guarding my heart, guarding my tongue, simply walking out as a godly woman who stirs the spirit of those I interact with, stepping into who God created me to be, being holy because He is holy... Where does a woman begin? I've been kind of overwhelmed by the desires of my heart, and honestly somewhat intimidated by what the future entails for me. I'm a pretty practical person in the sense that I like things to be lined out and in order so I know where I'm headed and how I'm getting there. That is definitely not what my life is like right now!

So, I can't remember what sparked it... I think it was the spiritual warfare class I'm a part of at church... but the Lord put on my heart to study Ephesians and Song of Songs together, being intentional about spiritual warfare and authority in Christ, and my identity in Christ and being secure in His love. Life changing stuff, I'm telling you! I've been longing to be washed in the water of the Word, hungry for His truth to be written on my heart, and aching for some false mindsets to be broken, because there are some lies that have been holding me back from walking out in confidence, boldness, and security in the Lord.

So! I was digging into these books, and just a couple days later I got a call from one of my God-loving, God-fearing friends, Rodrigo. He asked me if I've ever memorized a whole book of the bible, and I told him no, as I thought, 'If I did... it would definitely be Ephesians right now!' and, little did he know, as I told my manager... I feel the Lord taking me into this season of memorizing more scripture than ever before that is going to last for the rest of my life. =) So, when Rodrigo asked me if I wanted to memorize the book of Ephesians (how appropriate.) with him, I said absolutely! Not because I thought it would be easy, but what a great way to soak up all I can to have the Word written on my heart, available to be meditated on at any time!

Then, a few nights ago, I went by the epicenter (the building I work in for Acquire the Fire!) and one of my joy-filled, loving-the-Lord co-workers was there. I had a very encouraging conversation with him about a multitude of things and left very refreshed--but not before he blessed me with a book from IHOP (House of Prayer, not pancakes ;]) on intimacy with the Lord. He definitely doesn't have any idea how timely this was for me. Even though I got back to my house really late, I started reading it that night. Pretty much the whole book is simple truths to meditate on that just ignite your heart and your desire to get intimate with the Lord. Ha! How appropriate. (Thanks again Zach!)

Next, on Friday, I was struggling with pessimism creeping into my heart and mind. I talked with my God-ordained house director about some of the things weighing so heavily on my heart. I was supposed to take one of the lovely ladies in my core to the airport, and she recommended me not go. I didn't want to seem like I was handing her off, and I knew it would be a great one-on-one opportunity to get to know her more, so I went ahead and took her to DFW Airport. It takes almost two hours each way from campus. The time with her was definitely blessed, and on the way back the Lord awoke my heart in a way it hasn't been in a while!

I was listening to a message from Mike Bickle about being spiritually violent, pursuing all the Lord has to offer us, taking hold of our inheritance in Him, walking out in the authority we have been given, etc. My goodness!! I felt like distractions just melted away and the Lord spoke to my heart so tenderly, calling me back to my first love. How easy it is to complicate life and get entangled in distractions. So, in my hour and 45 minute drive, He refreshed me and drew my heart into focus. Hmm... how desperate I was for direction, and how quick He was to respond. Might I add, pretty much everything Mike Bickle was talking about was coming out of Ephesians and Song of Songs. Again, how appropriate.

Either later that night or the next morning, I was sharing with one of my house mates about how purposeful the Lord had been in my life over the past two weeks and how they felt like pieces of a broken puzzle falling into place. I shared with her about how much God has been speaking through Ephesians and Song of Songs and how I felt my heart being drawn back to my first love, and she said, "I think you already know this, because you just said it, but the church in Ephesus was the church that forgot it's first love." Hahaha!!! God is so funny! I definitely didn't realize that. The Ephesians were also one of the most mature churches Paul wrote to, but they got distracted. If it can happen to some of the most mature of the saints, why should I think it couldn't happen to me?

Praise be to my God who is constant and ever faithful! He truly holds fast to me always. He is never distracted from the purpose of His will.

Continuing to ask God to weaken my grip and allow me to identify and let go of the temporal, perishable things and to open my hand to receive what Christ received--all that is imperishable and eternal. May my life be one to know the King and give all for His Kingdom--

He treated me to a few precious hours alone with Him yesterday, and I'll tell you--you give Him that much time to sit with you, speak to you, wash you in His truth and love... fkgjoeihtodfgkj wreck my life why don't you! :) God, make me a woman who lives by Your presence, acknowledging You and all You do in everything I do, who makes You Lord and humbly responds to Your merciful love! All of me for all of Him--

Tori

I want to share a few things! First off... a song I wrote in a desperate moment before the Lord. I really enjoy writing. The Lord helps me process so much through writing and singing. Anywho--this is it.

Hello, Holy One...
   I find myself here again
between comfort and confusion...
   When I just want to know You more
Teach me to seek Your face
Fascinate me with Your ways
It is You I desire, O God
To be captivated by Your eyes
Hello, Redeemer...
   Here I am again,
running from my sin.
   Jesus, I'm desperate for Your touch
Teach me to seek Your face
To find peace in Your holy embrace
Lord, I long to hear Your heartbeat
To be captivated by Your eyes
Hello, Savior
   You draw me here again...
Scars on Your tender hands...
   Those hands that hold my all
Taught me to seek Your face
to rely fully on Your grace
Faithful and True
   I lay it all down for You
   and Jesus, you're captivated...

I wish I could elaborate, but I think only the Lord would understand. :)

Second of all--love, passion, and purity. My goodness.

A couple of days ago I finished the book Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. Phew! My goodness! Possibly the most beautiful love story I've ever heard of, after my Jesus' love for me. :) It really challenged me on my desire and willingness to lay everything down at the feet of Jesus Christ--the very things He has so graciously given me. I've been praying for the Lord to show me what it looks like to offer those things to Him as an offering and sacrifice to a more than deserving King, and for my hand to be open in release in regards to the things He asks for...which would be my all. Asking for the grace to be a woman who would grasp for nothing but Christ Himself. As Jim Elliott wrote--

“Father, let me be weak that I might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord, let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling. How often I have released a grasp only to retain what I prized by ‘harmless’ longing, the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary, as Christ’s was opened—that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now. He thought Heaven, yea, equality with God, not a thing to be clutched at. So let me release my grasp.” 

Powerful!

So, in reading Passion & Purity the other evening, I was driven to tears. There I was, curled up in a big chair in a coffee shop, reading about a love so passionate, so alive, so consuming, yet so pure, and completely surrendered and yielded to the will of God. I was inspired, I was challenged and provoked, and I was driven to tears. Why? Because I was getting excited about how grand it would be to experience such love with a man one day, overwhelmed by what the cost could entail to glorify God in that love, and the Lord took me to Song of Songs and stole my breath.

I love my God. And I love what His love does to me. I love the beauty it evokes in and educes from me. I love how my Lover delights and so deeply enjoys what His love does to me. I love how He drinks in deeply the effect He has on me. Is it possible for our love exchange, what intimately takes place between the heart of Jesus Christ and me, to spark a new sense of life in an unchanging God in the same manner that it sparks a new sense of life in me? I think it always has. I think it does right this moment. I think it always will. The Lord is so remarkable, and His love is multifaceted beyond all my comprehension. My God delights in, enjoys, and loves being in love with me. And I love it! Oh how I could go on...

One thing that astounds me the most is how clever, purposeful, and strategic He is. He gives us these life experiences like the passionate love exchange between a man and a woman; the patient, selfless, loving endurance of marriage [although I can't comprehend these fully yet :]); etc... and how humble He is, that He would allow these life experiences to give us insight into the heart and mind and nature of THE Almighty? How clever that He would reveal Himself in such ways! And then to show us His love in the most dramatic and powerful expression [in human terms] of all--He Himself, incarnate and humbled, nailed to the cross for the redemption of His unfaithful bride, conquering the death earned and issued by the very scoffers before Him... and don't make the same mistake that many today do in understanding WHO this man is!! This man is no humanitarian movement, no theology on paper, no ritual, but my valiant Warrior King, my Faithful Lover who possesses captivating passion, who is contending for and delighting in His bride... delighting in you. Delighting in me.

Phew! God, bring revelation of who You truly are--wreck our false mind sets, rebuild what we believe to be true about who You are and what Your love is. Ravish us, leave us undone--hearts melted in the loving embrace of the Bridegroom King. Show us Your magnificence, Your beauty, Your love and how You love us so that life, passion, fervor, and zeal would erupt divine beauty in Your bride--that beauty You so greatly delight in and enjoy in Your beloved. In the powerfully beautiful name of Jesus--let it be. Amen!

I would go on to tell you about how captivated I am by the fact that my God is a God of integrity, but I don't have time tonight--I need sleep. :)

Thank you again for the prayers and all you have done to allow me to be at the Honor Academy--the Lord is teaching me so much in my experience here!!!

I need the redeeming power and love of Jesus Christ every day in my life.

My heart wrenches and I fight tears at the thought of the day when I will see my God face to face and this battle in me will eternally cease. I already know who the victorious One is. Is that why Moses cried out to see the glory of God? I want to live by His presence, my heart and mind set on the worthy & glorious Lord of my life. The daily death of my flesh that this requires is painful and can be so tiresome. It's just plain hard sometimes! Can I be honest? And sometimes I get discouraged. I get tired of the fight, and mostly because I forget who is fighting and for what.

Anywho, this is definitely an incomplete thought, but I think the people who are unlocking my car are finally here. Praise God :) He is so very gracious.

I love talking to my mom on the phone. My mom is amazing! She loves me no matter what, and because of the trust I have with her, I tell her anything and everything going on in my life. I get on the phone with her, and I start processing what the Lord is doing in my life. I tell her what I'm experiencing, what I'm learning, and how it's tying in with other things I'm experiencing and learning. It truly reveals to me so much of what God is doing in my life, and I'm realizing more and more how purposeful and intentional and strategic He is in molding me into His likeness! Mostly thanks to talking to my mom on the phone. What a selfless, loving, patient mom I have!  You have no idea.

I had an hour and a half conversation with her yesterday. And I realized something. The Lord is in the process of deeply rooting and establishing my identity and who I will see myself as (and how) for the rest of my life. I'm at a very pivotal point in my life and I almost didn't realize it. I used to establish my identity in relation to other people. If you think about it, that makes sense. You can be a friend, a mom, a sister, a wife, a daughter, a teacher, a doctor, a pastor--all defined by relation to other people. How can you be a mother without having a daughter, or a teacher without a student?

So, taking it to another level, I personally have a history of defining myself by the success of my relation to another person. I was a dependent friend. I was an imperfect daughter. I was an annoying sister. I was a compilation of adjectives! Some positive, some negative, and ultimately it boiled down to how happy could I make whoever I was in relationship with? Whether my brothers, mom, dad, boyfriend, grandparents, aunts, best friend... I felt great as long as I made them happy. Intense people-pleaser met insecurity and I found my identity amidst their rendezvous.

As I said in the previous post, the Lord has been teaching me who I am as a woman. Up until about seven weeks ago, I hadn't really given much thought to it. So, as I am still at the beginning of my second year of the Honor Academy, I have been placed in many roles that I don't necessarily know how to define. This would include in my ministry placement as a Regional Manager Assistant, in my core as an Adopted MA, in my friendships as a sister in Christ, in the leadership here in the internship as a Graduate Intern, in ESOAL as a 1st Lieutenant (I'll talk about that later). So, with all these roles (some new, some not, just that I am more aware of them) and trying to figure out how to walk in them.... it's been interesting. I won't lie--I had a little break down the other day. I just got overwhelmed in the midst of trying to fulfill these roles and not knowing how to do it! This stirred up a lot of the old feelings and emotions connected to my former identity that was defined by people-pleasing and insecurity!

As I was talking with my mom yesterday, the Lord just brought peace to my anxious heart. My identity is not found in the level of security I find in my relationship with my mom or my dad or my best friends or my brothers, but in the ultimate, infinite, unfailing security of my relationship with Jesus Christ. My identity is not found in the amount of satisfaction I can bring another person, but by the fullness of the satisfaction I find in my Lord and Savior. Like Jamin Wunderink always said... I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to be a Christian. MY living God is THE source of all things true, of life and love and peace and joy. In Him and in Him alone do I live and move and have my being... have my being.

The Lover of my soul, the One who ravishes my heart and whose heart I ravish, it is this God in whom my true and whole identity is found. Praise be to the God who knew me before I was formed in the womb. One without an identity cannot be known, but having being known and formed by the Creator of the heavens and the earth, I received the surest and most secure source of identity ever imagined.

We cannot truly know who we were intended to be until we have met and experienced our Creator.

God bless you, and I thank you for your prayers!!!

Wow. Really, how do I put it into words? The Lord's reality is truly beautiful. Who HE is, how HE acts, the way HE pursues--HE is marvelous! And He's continually ravishing my heart in a new way. His love is so immense and incomparable!

Anywho, changing direction! Haha I'm going to tell you something. This is kind of so I can process through (again) what the Lord is going to do in me this year. But, because you've supported me and been praying for me, I want you to know, too. Now, brace yourself, because the Lord has put these things on my heart and I'm telling you in faith.

It all started when I was accepted as an Management Associate (MA) and committed to stay a second year. Soon after, I found out I would be staying the ATF Call Center where I've been working since last August. I then found out I would be an RMA (Regional Manager Assistant) for the Texas Events. So, it works likes this... There are 3 events in Texas: Houston, San Antonio, and Dallas, and there is a man named Dave Growden who is the manager over these three events and is responsible for taking care of the youth pastors coming. I am his assistant. The Lord immediately spoke to me that I would simply serve as his armor bearer this year.

Also, I was debating whether I would be involved in mentoring and pouring into a small group of girls or get involved in an agressive mentorship program where I would be challenged and pushed. I had my Graduate Defense, which is an opportunity to share about my year and defend why I think I should graduate and be considered an HA Alumni, and I came across my mission statement that the Lord put on my heart this past spring. I don't have it memorized, but here are some of the main points:

-I will pursue and deeply engage in a lifestyle of fasting, prayer, and intercession
-My intimacy with the Lord will be my priority
-I will pour my life out, serve, and love others with my whole being
-My presence and home will be welcoming and defined by a spirit of peace

And I know I'm missing something... but what it boils down to really, is to just love God and love people, and to show it in service. And I realized that this year wouldn't be about me. So I'll be involved in mentoring and pouring into the small group of girls. They have a mentor (their Core Advisor [CA]) who I will be serving and support all year. Her name is Tifany! She's from Arkansas, too. :) Someone said something to be earlier in the year about being an MA serving a CA an opportunity to just armor bear. So, here's to my year of armor bearing!

Prior to graduation, I was really being challenged on my perception of womanhood by my friend Casey. So, I started wrestling with what I, as a woman, am supposed to look like (spiritually, and in my friendships and relationships). I started meditating on scripture I have barely considered before, and praying for the Lord to give me a spirit of wisdom and revelation and to open the eyes of my heart to understand who it is He has designed me to be. Talk about identity crisis. :) Haha but it wasn't scary, dramatic, or anything like that. The Lord has been graceful, gentle, and kind in this process.

The more I prayed about it, the more the Lord was establishing and confirmed that this year will be a year of preparation, like that of Esther. Preparation for what, you ask? Good question. Part of it will obviously be to walk out as a godly woman, but this year, I also feel that the Lord wants to teach me how I will be a wife. Scary thought? Not so much. Because I'm telling you, my marriage is going to be wild! People are going to come to know Christ because of my marriage. And some people are going to think my husband is crazy, because he will be a man ruined by the beauty of Jesus Christ. And the Lord is going to teach me this year how to support him spiritually and in prayer and how to run with his vision--how to armor bear--by allowing me to do that for my CA and manager this year! I know, I know, I can't expect you to be as excited about it as me... but that's okay!

God is so brilliant! And I know the Lord is faithful. He has a work He wants to complete in me. Nothing will stand in His way. And I'm excited. =]

So, there you go. There's part of it. The part that doesn't freak me out as much. :) So please, join with me in prayer and in faith and in rejoicing what the Lord is going to accomplish in me! May His love, joy, peace, faithfulness, and glory be greatly known to others by my life!

Praise God.
I love you all. :)
Have a blessed day!!!

[Was this long enough...? ;)]

Jesus Christ is amazing!

Is your heart moved by His reality?

He is gentle.
He is beautiful.
He loves.
He will take your breath away.
He is majestic.
He is full of grace.
He saves.
He will lift you out of the depths.
He will set you free.
He satisfies.
He is faithful.
He is holy.
He is peaceful.
He is kind.
He will captivate you.
He desires us.
He loves us where we are.
He is good.
He is powerful.
He will set your feet upon a rock.
He fills.
He vindicates.
He will turn your mourning into dancing.
He is patient.
He is a firm foundation.
He moves.
He will give you beauty for ashes.
He is with you.
He is the ultimate, passionate pursuer.
He is trustworthy.
He is joyful.
He is the way.
He is the truth.
He is the life.

He is real.

Have you met Him?

 

I feel as though that is the Lord's love for me… a sweet, sweet melody. I am constantly being renewed and refreshed in Christ. It's amazing. It's beautiful. My heart breaks for this desperate generation that chooses to be blind to the Answer in front of them.

I have chosen to pursue the God who pursues me, and only by the grace the Lord has given me to do so. I think the main reason more people don't follow Christ is because of ignorance... because we, as the Church, have not gone out and emphasized the reality of the Cross of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ IS the ultimate point of decision. When we avoid the reality and the sharing of His death on the cross for our sins and resurrection that conquered death, we avoid the need to truly decide what kind of life we are going to live.

Alright, time for class--more on this later!! Love you all :)

It's been a while! A long while! I don't know how to back track and cover everything that's been going on in my life ever since January... I just felt the urge tonight to express what the Lord has been moving in my heart lately.

As some of you know, I went to Haiti in March for two weeks on missions. This awoke desires in my heart that I didn't know existed, and it provoked a part of me to come alive by opening my eyes to more than a few things! Jumping straight to the point, if there is one thing I had to share that impacted me the most or that became real to my heart, it would be the fact that people don't need money, we need Jesus.

In Haiti, I was surrounded by people who have lived their entire lives with a home that consists of a dirt floor, walls of woven palm tree leaves, and a make-shift roof. It was the most meager kind of home, while still very common. Normally an entire family would live in a one-room home and typically share a bed that was made of a pile of rags, or whatever else was available. In the rainy season in Haiti, it rains almost every night. Many parents stay up all night holding a tarp, or something like one, so that their children can get some sleep without getting wet. Life is NOT comfortable for the Haitians. The average Haitian makes $350 a year (US). I have 18 and 19-year-old friends who make more than that a week.

Going to Haiti, I thought about our purpose in the trip. The way I saw it, we were going to preach the Gospel and to bless these people with services or gifts. We ended up building two 10x10 conrete homes, complete with a window and tin roof each. We also helped to finished a clinic building on the property of the orphanage we stayed at. We did some maintenance on the property as well. Throughout the trip we performed dramas and then a 30-minute drama during a crusade we held. At times, we would just walk throughout the surrounding villages and talk to the people. Our trip was dynamic in the way we reached out! But materially speaking, our impact wasn't huge. Even the two houses we built--they made a huge difference for the families living in them now, but due to frequent hurricanes, the houses might last about 7 years. Our material blessing is so temporary!

Think about Jesus. When he fed the 5,000 men, plus women and children, he fed them one meal. He did not send them home with leftovers, he did not promise them bread for the rest of their lives. He even had the disciples pick up the crumbs! There is no saying of what they did with these crumbs; no implication that Jesus gave the crumbs to the hungry. Jesus manifested God's awesome power in the feeding of the 5,000+, and I don't believe his primary reason was to fill their stomachs. But he got their attention, didn't he?

Jesus didn't come to bring food. He came to bring hope and life in all the fullness that only He can offer.

In the same way, God didn't send us to Haiti to give money, medicine, or food... he sent us went with the mission to share the truth and the hope that Christ offers. The fellowship we shared with the part of the body of body of Christ that resides in Haiti was some of the sweetest I've experienced, and I can't even speak Creole (their language =])!!! It's because we had fellowship in the Spirit, knowing the hope we have all been called to, knowing that we will eternally dwell togehter in the presence of God. What a beautiful destiny to share with others.

People don't need money, we need hope. We need life. We need truth. We need Jesus.

When you don't have materialism blocking your view, the vision God has for all of our lives can come into clearer focus. When you stop grasping for material and financial blessing, you can see where the truth blessing lies. It is in the fruits of the Spirit--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control--and in the fullness of life that God offers those who seek it in Him. How often do we pray for our lvoed ones to not face hardship, to not endure pain, to have material abundance? Why don't we rather ask for the fruit and evidence of the Spirit at work in their lives? In James we are told to consider it pure joy when faced with trials of many kinds, because the testing of our faith develops perseverance. And perseverance must finish its work that we may be mature and complete! Praise God when we are tested!!

Anyway, I must run to Core meeting--I pray spiritual blessing over each of you!!! In the name of Christ--

Tori

I don't even know where to start, so that seems like a good place! I really do apologize for not updating for so long. I don't know who all reads this or how often, but I'm sure whoever did read it doesn't anymore... Haha!

So as for a quick update/insight into my life... The Lord has been revealing so many things to me lately; it's insane! I'm well acquainted with seasons of silence... of feeling as though the Lord has no word for me. But He must be preparing me for something right now, because He is showing me so much! If I could just verbalize it all!!! Mainly, it's been about intimacy and prayer. He really wants each and every one of us to really press in, dive deep, and go the length to KNOW Him. Not just to know ABOUT Him, but to experience Him and His love. Because, and it is truth, His love is REAL! And He is ALIVE, and He lives in me!! Okay, I have to expound on a few things...

Just now I was trying to find a verse that could capture what I've been experiencing lately. So I flipped over to Song of Songs, and was immediately drawn to this passage:

A declaration--
No, in all these things we are more
than conquerors through him who loved us. ;;;
...And we know that in all things
God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.
--Romans 8:38, 27

Things are going GREAT! I've been having some revelation lately, which is always delightful. =)

But that's beside the point. Haha, I know, you got excited for a second. But I want to share something wonderful with you. It's something I experienced during the Fasting LTE [Life Transforming Event] last month.

If you didn't know, the LTE is designed to create an environment in which we are more in tune to hear God's voice to gain more understanding of His vision and direction for our lives. Pretty intense, right? Yep, it is! So, we fast from Wednesday night to Sunday morning. We are allowed water annnd.. Jesus. =) I was slightly intimidated by this fast, considering I never fasted before HA, and even since being here, the longest fast I had experienced was from Tuesday night to Thursday morning. I had big expectations for this LTE, but I was determined to not limit my receptiveness to how He could speak to me or show Himself to me by putting Him in the box of my imagination. This was not as easy as I thought!

Fasting Thursday and Friday, I wanted to hear from God so badly. I prayed earnestly, sought His face, went to the optional worship sessions, went deeper into the Back Forty (400 acres of wooded land on campus); I REALLY wanted to experience God! Thursday and Friday were as frustrating as expecting a solid wall to crumble by asking it nicely to move. Now, we're not talking Jericho here, okay? =) Saturday, I felt as though I was in this daze... Until the evening session.

Now, this experience has been on my mind all day, because I wrote a paper on it last night! I'm going to take an exerpt from my paper to describe what happened during worship. Last night, as I wrote about it, my heart was filled, my spirit was overwhelmed with the outpouring of Jesus' love and adoration for me. I was reduced to tears there on my bed, basking in God's presence. Last night was awesome, to say the least!

BACK TO THE FASTING!! Haha.. Okay, this is from my paper, with some extra added in parenthesis--->

A sense of longing could be felt among the campus body (gathered in the auditorium). With so many of the usual distractions stripped away, I stood, arms outstretched, grasping for someone I knew was there. Going against everything I felt, I continued to reach for Jesus, begging my God to reveal Himself to me (how ever He pleased to do so). Crucifying a body that could barely stand, my spirit gained ground in those moments. “God,” I begged, “please meet me! Help me to see You, Lord! You are all I want, my God, You are all I need. I love who You are, and I long for more of You! Please let me draw near to You!”

There wasn’t a particular response, or any response at all, that I was anticipating. After hungering all weekend after anything that might fall from the Lord’s hands, I experienced a series of visions as I sang to my Jesus. (I first saw myself up on a stone wall, chained as if in a dungeon. I was full of joy, but unable to break the chains. God descended on me as a bright, angelic spirit. I was filled with power and strength. We broke the chains, and wouldn't you know, then I had the whole dungeon floor to dance for my Jesus! Next, I saw myself on a beach, playing in the wake of the waves on the sand. Innocently, I would stick my toes in the water while I danced. All of a sudden, a giant wave engulfed me and took me out to sea. I fought the waves, working to get past them to the huge ocean. They crashed against my tiny body, but I kept on swimming. Transition! I saw a spirit being washed by a greater, brighter spirit. The lesser spirit was me, and I danced as I was cleansed. Then all the images left me.) Then, God unveiled one particular, long-lasting image to me.

With my eyes pressed shut, I slowly began to see Jesus’ face in the black abyss of my mind. His soft countenance filled my vision, as though he was standing right in front of me. His divinely luminous eyes searched mine, his dazzling orange irises aglow. The deep gaze of the Lover of my soul melted my heart. As I sang, I lifted my hands to touch him, and I held my Savior’s precious face. Focusing in on his sensitive stare, my nose touched his. Then, unable to contain the exhilaration of looking at my Lord face to face, I kissed the tip of Jesus’ nose. Immediately, the expression on his face lit up! With a radiant smile and gleaming eyes ablaze, the outpouring love and adoration of my Redeemer washed over me, filling every void, thirst, and need in my heart, soul and spirit. I was being cleansed and renewed in the presence of a tender Messiah.

For nothing short of the most delightful experience of my life, God used my broken, poor, worn and weary spirit to magnify His glorious, sustaining, majestic power! Finally, my stone barrier crumbled at the glance of a faithful Almighty God.

I adore my Jesus!!!

Enamored;
Tori